Why Confident People Feel Insecure In Relationships (And How Therapy Helps)
I’m typically confident, I’m successful, and I have a great group of friends, so why do I feel so insecure in love?” This internal conflict is one that you are certainly not alone in. It can be confusing when the confidence you feel in your work, social life, and goals doesn’t translate to feeling confident in dating or romantic relationships.
Maybe you’re even the person a lot of people come to for advice. You’re used to being seen as the one who “has it together” or “does things the right way.” Your friends and family might come to you for advice about work or to vent about the most recent difficult conflict they had with a friend.
While feeling insecure in relationships looks and feels slightly different for everyone, in this blog, we’ll explore some of the possible reasons why. We’ll also talk about how this can show up differently in dating versus long-term relationships. Lastly, we’ll discuss how relationship therapy could potentially help shift this pattern.
What Is The Confidence-Insecurity Gap?
When we think of “confident” people, we often have an idea of what their internal dialogue is like compared to our own. “I bet they don’t criticize their body the way I do.” “Imagine how much easier it is for them to get dressed in the morning when they don’t hate themselves.” We almost create a fantasy about this person’s life. The fantasy that work isn’t that hard for them, that they go about life with ease. “If I could just be confident, it would fix all my problems.” I agree… that does sound really nice!
The thing is, it really often only is a fantasy in our head that we’ve created about this “confident” person we know. Yes, their confidence may very well help them. There absolutely may be ways that their confidence makes parts of their life easier. But that’s the point here, being confident all around in all areas of life isn’t always the typical scenario. The confidence is likely only making part of their life easier. We may not be privy to the ways and areas they feel insecure in and lack confidence.
For you, the part of your life that your confidence isn’t making easier is love. Long story short, confidence doesn’t always generalize, which means confidence in one area does not equal confidence in every area. To summarize, people who have high confidence aren’t immune to feeling insecure. Similarly, the way that we feel in relationships or in dating doesn’t always match the success we (or others) may see outwardly. In situations like this, it’s easy for it to become a breeding ground for comparison or confusion. Exploring the root cause of this can be a helpful first step to feeling better.
How Does This Show Up In Dating vs. Long-Term Relationships?
Feeling insecure in relationships despite how confident you typically are is definitely not a one-size-fits-all thing. How this shows up varies greatly from person to person. It also matters what kind of romantic situations you’re in! Someone who is in a long-term relationship may be struggling with feeling anxious and confident in that relationship in a completely different way than someone who’s actively dating. Because of this, it’s important to be curious about your current situation and the way this is uniquely impacting you.
Dating Insecurity
When you’re dating, you’re left with a ton of uncertainty. How someone feels about you, when (or sometimes if) you’ll hear from them again. If I had to give a TLDR on relationship anxiety, it would probably include something about uncertainty being a major recipe for it. It’s really easy and common for insecurities and a lack of confidence to show up while dating, no matter how confident you typically are. You may wonder if the other person is interested, if you’re reading their signals right, or how you’re coming across. If you have any sort of core wound around being “too much,” “too needy,” or “not enough,” it’s so common for that to get activated here.
With less commitment or clarity in the early stages, you’re left with a lot of blanks… and our brains do not like blanks. So, what do we do when we have one? We fill it in. And we usually don’t fill it with, “Hey, everything’s going to be just fine. This person is totally into me, and even if they’re not, it’ll all work out!” I almost felt silly even writing that out because it’s so far from what our brains typically feel comfortable doing. Instead, we often fill in the blank with the scenario that feels most familiar, which tends to be the worst-case one.
Is Fear Of Rejection A Factor?
It’s super easy to be triggered in an environment like this. Canceled or rescheduled plans, a text that comes in a little too late, or a change in tone can become deeply unsettling. Dating also involves getting comfortable with rejection… and who actually wants to do that? One of my favorite pieces of research here is that rejection is so painful that our brains perceive it as physical pain. Studies have even shown that taking ibuprofen before being rejected helps alleviate some of the emotional symptoms. With that in mind, dating is like constant emotional risk-taking. Of course, it’s going to bring up anxiety. And if you throw in a difficult emotional history, anxious attachment, or past trauma, it makes total sense you’d feel a lack of confidence here, even if you're typically a confident person.
Long-Term Relationship Insecurity
OK, you did it… You went through the dating process, put in the hard work, and now here you are, in the relationship you wanted. And yet, maybe you don’t feel 100% like you envisioned you would. It’s not always easy. Sometimes you wonder if the good always outweighs the bad, and other times you find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety and insecurity. Once you’re in a committed relationship, the uncertainty starts to shift. Instead of wondering if your person is out there or if someone wants to be with you, you might start to wonder how long you’ll be loved for, or when the relationship might end. These thoughts can arise during a fight or sometimes out of nowhere. You may even catch yourself thinking, “Why am I feeling this way when I’m in a committed relationship with someone who loves me?”
Dating brings up a lot, and so do long-term relationships, but in a very different way. Here’s the thing about long-term love: you can’t really hide. If you’ve felt like you only deserve love when you’re performing or achieving, that dynamic doesn’t hold up as well in a relationship built on emotional intimacy. Maybe you used to cry in private after a hard day, but now you live together, and the crash out happens in front of your partner. It’s vulnerable. And their bad mood or emotional distance might suddenly feel much more threatening than it did during the dating phase. In early love, our deeper wounds and attachment patterns may stay under the surface. But once we settle into a real rhythm with someone, especially in the presence of stress, routines, conflict, and deeper intimacy, those patterns can emerge in full force. Cue the thoughts that there’s simply just something wrong with you and you’re the problem (BTW, no, you’re not.)
Could There Just Be More To Lose?
Part of what makes long-term relationships so tender is that they come with higher stakes. Shared routines, friendships, a home, maybe even children. The fear of something that meaningful falling apart can be incredibly distressing, even if it’s not actually on the verge of falling apart. That’s why it’s so important to normalize that even confident people can feel insecure in a relationship. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or with your relationship. More often, it’s a sign that something deeper is asking to be acknowledged, understood, and taken care of instead of criticized or pushed away.
What Are Common Root Causes Of Dating & Relationship Insecurity?
We can often place a lot of blame on ourselves when feeling insecure in relationships or while dating. The truth is, several factors in our lives could be playing a bigger role than we once realized.
Family Influence
Growing up, we’re often taught and wired to feel and be confident in certain areas. For example, if your family placed a high importance on excelling in extracurriculars such as sports or music, you may feel a high sense of self-esteem in these areas. However, the pressure to “perform” may have created a sense of insecurity or anxiety in relationships (where performing can really only get you so far!). In a similar wavelength, if your family pushed academics and excelling intellectually, maybe you missed some of the validation you needed to feel confident in other areas, such as love and dating. If there was an emphasis on appearance, you may grow up to feel confident about how you look, but possibly feel insecure about your relationship skills. Or, you may feel a heightened sense of anxiety if your body naturally changes or fluctuates.
Previous Relationships
Past relationship wounds can also influence how we show up in our current romantic lives. If you have a relationship history where you’ve been cheated on, emotionally dismissed, or labeled as “too much” or “too needy,” this can absolutely impact your current relationship experiences. Even if that relationship ended a long time ago, our nervous system and body remember those experiences. A message that often gets internalized in situations like this is that love is unsafe or unpredictable, which is typically the opposite of how we need to experience love in a healthy relationship. If you’ve ever felt like your reaction to a current situation doesn’t quite match what’s happening in the moment, it may be because what you’re actually reacting to is something from your past and not your present.
Attachment Styles
Another common contributor to feeling anxious in relationships (especially when it feels so at odds with how you feel elsewhere) is your attachment style. I know attachment style is discussed heavily on social media and usually for good reason. Attachment theory is actually one of the most studied theories in psychology, developed in the late 1950s. But what does this really mean, and how does it relate to confidence? Attachment theory helps us understand how we relate and connect to others, especially in romantic relationships. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may fear abandonment, overanalyze your partner’s moods, or seek reassurance often. If you lean more avoidant, you might feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and, as a result, shut down during conflict. Even if you’re confident in your career, friendships, or day-to-day decisions, attachment wounds can get activated specifically in romantic relationships because of how closely tied they are to our sense of survival.
Attachment style is largely influenced by the caregiving we received. That said, it isn’t something fully written in stone. Our attachment style can fluctuate depending on the environment and situation. It often shifts based on our partner and the dynamics of the relationship. A secure, committed partner is more likely to bring out secure parts of ourselves, whereas an inconsistent partner may activate any underlying confidence issues more heavily. The takeaway here is that attachment styles are not permanent by any means. They can absolutely shift with insight, support, and practice. Often, that process starts with therapy.
How Can Relationship Issues Therapy In NYC Help?
Therapy has been researched long enough for us to understand why it works. While therapeutic modalities and a therapist’s skill set do matter, the most powerful indicator of successful therapy is actually the relationship between the therapist and the client. An online therapy practice specializing in relationship issues offers a space to build a healthy, attuned relationship. And within that, you not only get to experience the kind of relationship you deserve, but you also begin to safely untangle the deeper roots of emotional wounds. So often in a romantic relationship and dating, we’re not just reacting to what’s happening in the present moment with a partner, but we’re reacting to an old wound, a limiting core belief, or a protective pattern that helped us survive but no longer helps us thrive. Therapy allows us to slow down and explore these patterns with curiosity and respect.
Beyond insight and healing, therapy also provides tools. It gives you real, practical ways to relate differently to both yourself and your partner(s). You may work on communication skills, emotional regulation, how to express your needs in ways that increase the likelihood of being heard, or how to set boundaries that feel more aligned with your current life. As you practice these new skills, something important begins to happen. You start to show up for yourself consistently. And when you do that, you begin building something that feels really solid: trust in yourself. And when you trust yourself, you naturally build the thing you came to this post for in the first place… confidence.
You’re Not Alone—Final Thoughts From An Online Relationship Therapist
Feeling insecure in a relationship when you’re typically confident can be disorienting, frustrating, and painful. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, and it doesn’t need to mean your relationship is doomed either. It often means something deeper is being signaled, and this “thing” deserves attention, curiosity, and respect. An understanding relationship therapist can help you begin (or continue) to sort this all through, strengthen your relationship skills, and feel more confident on a day-to-day basis. If this is an area you struggle with, it’s okay to ask for support. You deserve to feel confident in love, like you feel in the other parts of your life.
Security Is Possible Through Relationship Therapy In New York & New Jersey
Even the most confident people can feel unsure when it comes to love, and that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Relationship therapy can help you unpack where those insecurities are coming from and how to work through them with greater clarity and self-compassion. At Connected Healing Therapy, our NYC-based team specializes in supporting people who feel strong in most areas of life but struggle with anxiety, doubt, or overthinking in romantic relationships. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and therapy may be the next right step.
Here’s how to begin:
Take the first step toward dating and relationship security. Schedule a free consultation to explore whether teletherapy is a good fit.
Start working with an online relationship therapist in New York who understands the unique challenges of high-functioning individuals.
Experience more ease, self-assurance, and emotional insight—both within your relationship and within yourself.
Other Therapy Services We Offer Online In NY & NJ
If dating or relationship insecurity is holding you back, therapy can help you reconnect with your inner confidence and build relationships that feel stable, authentic, and emotionally safe. At Connected Healing Therapy, we understand that these struggles are often tied to deeper personal patterns. That’s why we offer more than just relationship issues therapy. We provide a comprehensive range of mental health services designed to support the whole person, including individual therapy, EMDR, and ADHD support. Whether you’re healing from a painful breakup, managing overwhelming thoughts, or simply trying to make sense of recurring relationship challenges, our team is here to guide and support you on your journey.
About The Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a seasoned online relationship therapist with deep expertise in helping clients break free from the grip of relationship anxiety, insecurity, and recurring patterns that make love feel more stressful than secure. With a Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University, Kacie is trained in a wide range of evidence-based methods—including EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT—which she skillfully combines to support individuals in healing attachment wounds and fostering emotionally healthy, connected relationships.
Throughout her career, Kacie has worked with high-achieving individuals who feel confident in most areas of life—career, friendships, independence—but struggle to feel grounded in romantic relationships. As the founder and CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she built her practice around the belief that healing happens through relationships, a principle reflected in her favorite quote: “We heal in the context of others.”
Kacie’s work centers on the idea that while relationships can be a source of anxiety and self-doubt, they also hold the potential for healing and transformation. Her compassionate, client-centered approach empowers people to explore their emotional patterns, increase their sense of security, and build more fulfilling relationships—from the inside out.
