Can Attachment Issues Destroy a Relationship? Warning Signs and Support
The question of whether attachment issues can destroy a relationship is a fair one, especially if you’re feeling stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, anxiety, or unwanted distance and disconnection. The TLDR answer is: yes, attachment issues can damage a relationship, just like many other challenges can… if we let them. We all bring our own attachment patterns and personal histories into relationships. The key is whether we use those patterns as tools to strengthen connection or as barriers that create disconnection, a balance I often help clients attain through virtual relationship therapy.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Put simply, attachment styles are the patterns in how we connect with others, especially those closest to us. These patterns are usually formed early in childhood and are further shaped by our experiences throughout life. Our attachment style influences how we show up in relationships, particularly during moments that feel intense, uncertain, or emotionally charged. Most often, attachment styles are grouped into four categories:
Secure Attachment. Those with secure attachment generally feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. They’re typically able to trust others easily, communicate their needs, and navigate conflict in healthy ways.
Anxious Attachment. People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and may feel distressed by distance. This can come with fears of abandonment or being seen as “too much” or “too needy.”
Avoidant Attachment. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness. Conflict and emotions can feel overwhelming, so they may seek space during difficult moments.
Disorganized Attachment. Disorganized attachment combines traits of both anxious and avoidant styles. For these individuals, relationships may feel confusing or unsafe, often marked by an internal conflict about whether to seek closeness or retreat.
Warning Signs That Attachment Patterns Are Impacting Your Relationship
Attachment patterns don’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your relationship. They’re part of your wiring, shaped by what your inner world has learned feels safe (or unsafe) in connection with others. That said, these patterns can play out in ways that are deeply challenging, sometimes leading to significant emotional distress. Below are some common attachment dynamics that often show up in sessions through my online NYC therapy practice:
Pursue-Withdraw. The pursue-withdraw dynamic often shows up during conflict (typically where one partner is more avoidant and the other more anxious). In this dynamic, one partner seeks closeness or repair, while the other seeks distance and space. The more one partner reaches out to connect, the more the other shuts down. This cycle can leave both people feeling unseen, misunderstood, and emotionally unsafe.
Abandonment Fears. If one or both partners have deep-rooted fears of abandonment, even small shifts in the relationship can feel threatening. A busier day with less texting or a slightly different tone of voice might trigger overthinking, panic, or a need for reassurance. These fears can create tension and lead to arguments that feel bigger than the situation at hand.
Over-functioning vs. Under-functioning. In some relationships, one person may take on the role of the initiator. This person may seek emotional growth and improvement by suggesting therapy, reading books, or listening to podcasts about relationships, and trying to start meaningful conversations. Meanwhile, the other partner might take a more passive role, avoiding emotional work or pulling away when things get heavy. Over time, this imbalance can cause resentment or disconnection.
What Happens if These Patterns Go Unaddressed?
Attachment patterns have a tendency to repeat themselves. They function like habits: the more we engage in them, the more deeply they become ingrained in our lives. If we’re subconsciously acting out attachment patterns that no longer serve us, we’re actually reinforcing them. Without awareness, we risk strengthening not only our own insecurities and protective mechanisms but also the patterns within our relationships and partners that keep us stuck.
Can These Attachment Patterns Be Changed?
Sometimes in relationships, I’m left with questions I’m not entirely sure how to answer. But when it comes to attachment issues, the answer is clear: yes, these patterns can absolutely be changed. The real question isn’t whether change is possible; it’s whether there’s a willingness to change. If both partners are open to understanding and working through their attachment struggles, meaningful change is more than possible.
Attachment patterns are not fixed traits. They’re shaped by our experiences but can change over time. Sometimes, simply becoming aware of them is a powerful first step. New ways of communicating and offering support, even from just one person in the relationship, can begin to shift long-standing patterns.
You Can Shift The Dynamic—Final Thoughts From a Relationship Therapist in New York
Attachment issues do not need to destroy a relationship. That said, they are absolutely deserving of care and attention. If you’re noticing any of the patterns mentioned above in your relationship, it may be worth seeking out a therapist who specializes in relationships and attachment-based wounds.
With support from a compassionate relationship therapist and a willingness to explore and grow, even what feels like the messiest of attachment struggles can be healed to create space for more secure, grounded, and connected dynamics.
Work Toward A More Secure Relationship Through Online Relationship Therapy in NYC
Attachment issues can quietly erode trust and connection, leaving even loving relationships feeling unstable. The good news? Through relationship therapy, you can better understand these patterns, improve communication, and create stronger emotional bonds. At Connected Healing Therapy, our team helps individuals and couples address attachment wounds, develop healthier relationship habits, and rebuild a sense of security in love.
Here’s how to start your journey toward a more secure connection:
Discover how relationship therapy can help you work through attachment challenges by scheduling a free consultation.
Work with an experienced online relationship therapist in New York who understands the impact of insecure attachment on couples.
Build the trust, self-awareness, and emotional security needed to protect and strengthen your relationship.
Other Online Therapy Services We Offer In NY & NJ
When attachment issues begin to affect your relationship, they often bring patterns of mistrust, anxiety, or emotional distance. Online relationship therapy can help you recognize these patterns, address the root causes, and replace them with healthier ways of connecting.
At Connected Healing Therapy, we understand that attachment challenges are rarely isolated—they often intertwine with past experiences, personal insecurities, and other emotional concerns. That’s why our NYC-based therapy practice offers more than just attachment-focused counseling. We provide a range of mental health services designed to meet your unique needs, including individual therapy, couples therapy, EMDR, and ADHD support.
Whether you’re working through the impact of past relationships, rebuilding trust, or learning how to feel more secure with your partner, our compassionate team is here to help you create lasting emotional stability—both in your relationship and within yourself. We invite you to explore our blog to learn more and contact us directly when you’re ready to get the support you need.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is passionate about helping individuals and couples understand how attachment patterns shape their relationships. She specializes in guiding clients who struggle with trust, insecurity, or emotional distance to develop healthier ways of connecting. With a Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and advanced training in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT, Kacie blends evidence-based techniques to help clients heal emotional wounds and build stronger, more secure bonds.
Over the course of her career, Kacie has worked with people who thrive in many areas of life but feel vulnerable or unsettled when it comes to intimacy and connection. As the founder and CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she created her practice around the belief that “We heal in the context of others”—a philosophy that guides her work with every client.
Her approach centers on uncovering the root causes of attachment struggles and empowering clients to create relationships where trust, stability, and mutual understanding can flourish.
