What Is Normal Fighting in a Relationship? Healthy Conflict vs Harmful Patterns
There are a few things that are true for most relationships: first, all couples argue, and second, most couples don’t love to argue. Conflict can be stressful, but it’s also a necessary part of being in a relationship. A healthy relationship doesn’t mean a conflict-free relationship. In fact, research shows that what matters most isn’t how often couples argue, but the quality of those conflicts. Even more importantly, how couples repair and recover afterward. Here are some of the signs and solutions often discussed during relationship therapy.
What Healthy Relationship Conflict Can Look Like
Conflict will look different for every couple, shaped by your unique personalities and the dynamic of your relationship. That said, there are some helpful guidelines for what healthy, effective conflict can look like. These are the dynamics I encourage clients to strive for in my NYC-based online therapy practice.
You leave the conflict feeling closer. The goal of conflict is to work through something that hasn’t been feeling great. When it’s resolved in a healthy way, both partners often walk away feeling like whatever was in the way initially has been cleared. Sometimes there’s even a sense of relief or renewed appreciation for your partner. Either way, the tension that showed up during the conflict has shifted, and more neutral or even positive feelings have taken its place.
Repair and reconnection happen. The disagreement doesn’t just end. It’s followed by something that helps repair the tear, whether emotionally or physically. Maybe someone forgot to plan a date night, and after the conflict, they followed through and planned a new one. In real repair, there’s often an action that allows the conflict to feel truly resolved. Sometimes that action is small, like a hug or kind words. Other times, it’s something more intentional or on a larger scale. Either way, the conflict isn’t just dropped; it’s closed with real care, creating a sense of reliable emotional security.
Arguments stay focused on the issue. It’s easy during an argument to bring up previous relationship conflicts that aren’t actually related or to take a low blow about something more personal. In healthy conflict, the focus stays on the issue at hand until it’s been effectively resolved.
Signs That Conflict May Be Turning Harmful
Frequent Yelling or Name Calling. We all make mistakes, raise our voices, or say things we don’t mean during arguments. But if raising voices or name-calling becomes a consistent pattern for one or both partners, it’s a sign that the conflict may be going too far. Having our feelings hurt repeatedly can make us feel insecure in the relationship.
Silent Treatment. While the silent treatment is sometimes used as a way to regulate one’s own emotions, it can do real damage to both the relationship and each person. If the silent treatment becomes part of the pattern during conflict, it’s often a sign that the way conflict is being managed may not be sustainable.
Blame. It’s important that both partners walk away from most arguments feeling understood while also taking some accountability. If one or both partners consistently leave conflict feeling like they’ve taken on all or most of the blame, it may be a sign that the relationship is struggling and the communication pattern needs to shift.
Helpful Questions to Ask During or After Conflict
Trusting our intuition can be tricky, especially if we tend to feel anxious, which is common during or after conflict. Still, many of us have a deep-down sense or gut feeling about whether conflict in a relationship has crossed a line. While there are clear guidelines for what healthy conflict looks like, we also have an internal compass that helps us sense when something doesn’t feel right. This can include whether we’ve overstepped or someone else has crossed our boundaries during conflict.
Learning to listen to that compass is important, especially if it’s signaling to you that something needs to shift. If you’re feeling unsure, here are some questions that can help you reconnect with that inner compass and consider whether it’s time to seek support or explore new ways of navigating conflict together:
Are we attacking the problem, or attacking each other?
Do I feel respected, even when we disagree?
Did we stay on topic, or did this spiral into something else?
Do we know how to come back together after a rupture?
Do I feel emotionally safe to express myself fully?
Do we repair after conflict or pretend it didn’t happen?
Healthy Conflict is Possible—Final Thoughts From a Relationship Therapist in New York
Conflict is an inevitable part of any meaningful relationship. The key is how we choose to handle it. Healthy conflict doesn’t mean never getting upset or never raising your voice. It means being able to return to each other with care, accountability, and a shared intention to repair the rupture. Many of us weren’t taught how to argue well in relationships. If we weren’t, we often fall back on what we’ve witnessed or experienced in the past. This is why building new tools together can be so helpful.
If conflict is consistently leaving you feeling anxious, unsettled, or shut down, it’s okay to seek support. An experienced online relationship therapist in New York can help you both learn new ways to communicate, reconnect, and navigate conflict more effectively.
Learn How to Navigate Conflict Through Online Relationship Therapy in New York
Even in strong, loving relationships, disagreements are inevitable—but how you handle them can make all the difference. Relationship therapy can help you recognize the difference between constructive conflict that builds understanding and harmful patterns that erode trust.
At Connected Healing Therapy, we help individuals to strengthen communication skills, manage emotions during tense moments, and break cycles of misunderstanding—so conflict becomes an opportunity for connection rather than distance.
Here’s how to start building healthier communication in your relationship:
Explore how therapy can help you shift conflict into collaboration. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to take the first step.
Work with a skilled online relationship therapist in New York who understands the dynamics of both healthy and unhealthy disagreements
Develop the clarity, confidence, and conflict-resolution skills you need to strengthen your relationship and protect your emotional well-being
Online Therapy in NYC and NJ: Other Services
If conflict is creating tension between you and your partner, online relationship therapy in New York can help you shift from reactive arguments to constructive conversations that strengthen your bond. By learning healthier communication strategies, you can replace cycles of frustration with mutual understanding and respect. At Connected Healing Therapy, we know that conflict is often tied to deeper emotional triggers, past experiences, and stressors outside the relationship—which is why our services go beyond surface-level problem-solving.
Our therapy team offers a variety of approaches to support your overall emotional well-being, including individual therapy, couples counseling, EMDR, and ADHD treatment. Whether you’re working to improve communication, address unresolved tension, or manage your own emotional responses during disagreements, we’re here to guide you toward healthier patterns—both in your relationship and in your life. We invite you to explore our blog for more insights and reach out when you’re ready to work with us.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate relationship challenges, from everyday disagreements to long-standing patterns of conflict. She understands that not all fighting is harmful—and that learning the difference is key to creating stronger, more secure connections. With a Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and advanced training in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT, Kacie blends evidence-based approaches to help clients develop healthier communication and emotional resilience.
Throughout her career, Kacie has worked with clients who thrive in other areas of life but feel frustrated, stuck, or disconnected in their romantic relationships—especially when recurring arguments overshadow the love they share. As the founder and CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she built her practice on the belief that “We heal in the context of others,” using the therapy room as a safe space to transform conflict into deeper understanding.
Kacie’s passion lies in guiding people to identify unhealthy patterns, strengthen trust, and build relationships where disagreements lead to growth instead of distance. She believes that with the right tools, couples can replace harmful cycles with healthier, more constructive ways of connecting.
