Why One Partner Often Avoids Therapy and How to Handle It
If you’ve found yourself here, it’s probably safe to assume there’s some kind of disconnect happening in your relationship. Maybe you’re ready to go to therapy for relationship issues in NYC (whether together or individually), but your partner isn’t on the same page.
It can be incredibly frustrating to want to take this step toward healing and growth, only to feel like that intention isn’t being shared. Sometimes, understanding the why behind their hesitation can be the first step toward positive change.
6 Reasons Why Your Partner Might Refuse Relationship Therapy
Some common reasons I hear for why someone might not want to go to therapy include:
Therapy may carry a negative meaning. Some people view going to therapy as a sign of failure or believe it means something is wrong with them or their relationship. For many, therapy is associated with instability or being “broken,” especially if therapy was never modeled to them in a healthy or positive way.
There’s a fear of being blamed. Some people worry they’ll be ganged up on or made out to be the problem if they go to couples therapy. They may assume a relationship issues therapist will “take your side,” leaving them with more blame or responsibility to carry.
Vulnerability is hard. Let’s face it, therapy for relationship issues is nothing if not vulnerable. And vulnerability can be deeply uncomfortable, especially for people who were taught early on that vulnerability is weakness or something to avoid.
Shame runs deep. Even with the kindest therapist, therapy can bring up a lot of shame. And shame is difficult to process, especially in isolation. For some, just the idea of going to therapy can trigger intense shame before they even walk through the door.
Stigma about therapy is still real. In some communities or cultures, relationship issues therapy is still seen as taboo or something reserved only for extreme situations. That stigma can make someone hesitant to even consider it.
They’ve had a negative experience before. A previous experience with therapy that didn’t feel helpful, or worse, felt harmful, can make someone believe that therapy doesn’t work or that it won’t be worth the emotional risk again.
Why Reassurance About Therapy Might Not Work
Many of the examples above are rooted in deeply held beliefs. When we hear those beliefs, it’s natural to want to challenge them, especially when they don’t feel true to us. We might say things like, “It’s okay to feel shame,” or “It’s safe to be vulnerable with me now.”
While well-intentioned, the truth is: deeply held beliefs can be difficult to logic our way out of. Reassurance alone often isn’t enough to shift how someone feels about working with an in-person or online therapy practice in New York. In these moments, I recommend staying curious and allowing space for different perspectives. A gentle, open approach grounded in curiosity rather than pressure tends to open more doors than it closes.
What Does Their Not Going to Therapy Mean?
When someone doesn’t want to go to therapy, even when we feel it would be best for us and the relationship, it’s easy to assign meaning to that, ultimately making us feel insecure in our relationship. We might tell ourselves that if they won’t go, it must mean they don’t care about us or the relationship. We might start to believe they don’t love us enough to try, or that our relationship is doomed. Sometimes we even internalize it: maybe we’re too much, we’re asking for too much, or we’re the problem.
One thing I often remind clients is to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves. When we’re faced with something that isn’t changing, our brain wants a reason “why” and it doesn’t always fill in that “why” with something true, accurate, or kind. In fact, it often fills in the blank with our greatest fear or a narrative that feels familiar. When that happens, it can be helpful to pause, name the story, and gently seek clarity from your partner about what’s really going on beneath their resistance.
How to Respond When a Partner Refuses Therapy
When we’re able to validate ourselves, we often communicate what we want more effectively. If you can sit with and acknowledge your own feelings of disappointment (or even fear) about your partner not wanting to go to therapy for relationship issues, you’ll likely be able to express yourself in a way that helps the situation instead of hurting it. You’re allowed to share how you feel using “I” statements, without criticizing their decision. For example, you might say, “I feel really hurt and helpless that we’re not going to take this step in therapy together.”
It’s also completely reasonable to ask for other ways to work on your relationship outside of therapy. You might try something like, “I understand if therapy feels too intimidating for you right now. I’d still love for us to find a way to work on our relationship together. Do you think there’s something else you might be open to?”
While therapy is an incredible and effective tool for many individuals and relationships, it can also be a path that feels deeply challenging for some. If your partner isn’t ready for therapy right now, it doesn’t have to mean your relationship is at a dead end. It might simply mean there’s more to explore, understand, and communicate. Keep validating your own feelings, stay curious about theirs, and remember that meaningful progress often begins in small, everyday moments.
Encourage Change Through Couples or Individual Therapy For Relationship Issues in NYC
When your partner resists going to therapy, it can leave you feeling frustrated, unheard, or even hopeless—but you still have options for creating change. By going to therapy for relationship issues on your own, you can learn how to address challenges from your side, communicate more effectively, and set healthy boundaries that encourage growth. At Connected Healing Therapy, our NYC-based team helps individuals navigate relationship struggles with insight, compassion, and practical strategies—whether or not their partner participates in the process.
Here’s how to begin your own path toward change:
Discover how therapy can help you handle relationship challenges from your perspective by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Work one-on-one with an experienced online relationship issues therapist in New York who understands the complexities of relationships when one partner resists therapy.
Build the emotional clarity, resilience, and communication skills you need to improve your relationship and protect your own well-being.
Relationship Issues Therapy: Other Services Connected Healing Therapy Offers Online
If your partner isn’t ready for therapy, it doesn’t mean your own growth has to pause. Working with a relationship therapist individually can help you build the clarity, resilience, and communication skills needed to address challenges in your relationship from a place of strength. At our online New York therapy practice, we understand that relationship struggles often connect to deeper personal patterns and emotional histories—which is why our work goes beyond surface-level solutions.
Our team of therapists offers a full spectrum of mental health services to meet your unique needs, including relationship issues therapy, individual therapy, EMDR, couples therapy, and ADHD support. Whether you’re learning new ways to manage conflict, processing unresolved emotions, or striving to create healthier patterns in love, we’re here to help you take meaningful steps toward a more fulfilling connection—with yourself and, potentially, your partner. Explore our blog for further insight, and when you’re ready, we invite you to reach out for a consultation.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who helps individuals strengthen their relationships, even when they’re the only ones in therapy. She specializes in supporting clients facing relationship anxiety, communication breakdowns, and recurring emotional patterns that make connections feel harder than they should. With a Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and advanced training in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT, Kacie combines proven therapeutic approaches to help clients create lasting change in their relationships and within themselves.
Over her career, Kacie has worked extensively with people who are accomplished and confident in most areas of life but feel stuck, frustrated, or unheard in their romantic relationships. As the founder and CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she built her practice around the belief that real transformation happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships—a philosophy reflected in her favorite quote: “We heal in the context of others.”
Kacie’s work centers on empowering clients to understand their relationship dynamics, build emotional resilience, and develop healthy communication skills. She believes that even when only one partner engages in therapy, meaningful shifts can happen—opening the door to stronger, more balanced connections.
