Is It Relationship Anxiety or Am I Not in Love? Understanding Your Emotions
Love can be many things, powerful and joyous, while also scary and worrisome. Even in secure relationships, it’s totally normal to have moments of doubt, insecurity, or anxiety. Almost no one escapes the occasional “what if?” That’s what can make it confusing when these “what if” thoughts start to take over. It can be hard to tell what’s a real worry and what’s us filling in a blank with our own personal worst-case scenario.
That’s where Relationship OCD (ROCD) comes in. ROCD can make you question your own feelings, your partner, or the relationship itself in a way that feels exhausting and never-ending. You might catch yourself wondering, “Is this ROCD, or am I just not in love?” or “Is this anxiety, or am I in the wrong relationship?”
In this blog, I talk about the difference between intrusive thoughts and real relationship concerns I often see come up during relationship therapy. I’ll also touch upon how to navigate all the noise when it feels like your mind just won’t give you a break.
Understanding Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD)
Most of us have heard the term OCD before. However, outside of using it to describe people who are meticulously clean (a misconception, by the way!), we may not know what OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, actually is. OCD is a mental health condition that has two main components: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwanted thoughts that we don’t feel in control of, and compulsions are urges to do certain things that help us feel more in control. OCD shows up in many different areas of life, sometimes cleanliness and hygiene, and other times, it shows up in how we think about love and relationships.
ROCD stands for Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It’s a type of OCD that shows up in romantic relationships. When someone is experiencing ROCD, their thoughts and compulsions are related to their partner or their relationship. Since our romantic relationships are so closely tied to our sense of safety and security as we navigate the world, these thoughts can be really upsetting and often hard to stop.
What ROCD Can Look Like For Someone Struggling
At my NYC therapy practice, these are the most common symptoms I see shared by clients struggling with Relationship OCD:
Intrusive Thoughts
You might have frequent, doubtful, or upsetting thoughts that feel a lot like relationship anxiety. Thoughts such as, “What if I don’t actually love them?” Or “What if I’m in the wrong relationship?”
Compulsions
To calm yourself down, you may keep asking your partner for reassurance, and not feel better even when reassurance is given. You might find yourself comparing your relationship to others or going over your thoughts again and again to try to figure things out. When you do this, you often find there isn’t much resolution, no matter how you play it out.
Lots Of Doubt
It’s typical for people experiencing ROCD to constantly question how they feel or whether their partner is “right” for them.
Is It ROCD Or Am I Not In Love?
Wondering whether you are experiencing relationship insecurity, anxiety, or if you’re in the wrong relationship is a common but scary question. Even asking yourself this question is brave, as it’s something many people avoid for decades! Distinguishing between ROCD and genuine doubts about your relationship can be challenging, and unfortunately, there usually isn’t a clear answer right away. However, it’s still essential to explore your true thoughts and feelings.
As a relationship therapist in New York, these are some topics I often encourage clients to explore. Ask yourself these questions:
Consistency of Doubt
ROCD often involves relentless, irrational doubts that don’t match up with the evidence at hand. For example, if you're questioning whether you're really in love, but your actions and feelings show that you truly care for your partner and your relationship, that may be ROCD. On the other hand, if your doubts stem from specific relationship issues, that could be a different concern.
Need for Reassurance
Consistently seeking reassurance from your partner about their feelings or your relationship’s status is a common ROCD behavior. What’s important here is whether or not the reassurance makes you feel better. If reassurance "works," it’s an indicator that something is functioning properly. If reassurance offers no resolution, that might be related to ROCD.
Pattern Recognition
Take some time to reflect on your past relationships. Do you notice a pattern of similar doubts? If so, it could be a sign of ROCD.
Another aspect to consider, especially as it relates to consistency of doubt, is whether your doubts stem from concerns about the relationship itself. In this case, I would suggest exploring the relationship dynamics further. Here are some things to look at:
Compatibility
Are your doubts related to fundamental incompatibilities in the relationship? Do you want the same things in life? For example, does one of you want a family while the other doesn’t? Do you share the same values, or is there a misalignment in how you would approach an important situation? If you have shared values and shared goals for your future but are still experiencing frequent anxiety, that’s different from feeling anxious because you’re not sure you want the same things.
Communication
Open and honest communication with your partner can help address concerns and improve the relationship. Take note of how your partner responds when you approach them in a loving way. Are they receptive and supportive, or do they put you down for having worries about the relationship?
Seek Professional Help
If you're overwhelmed by doubts, whether due to ROCD or relationship problems, consider seeking relationship therapy in NYC to gain clarity. This could especially be helpful if you're questioning whether this is due to your own anxieties or relationship compatibility.
By understanding the characteristics of ROCD and evaluating the authenticity of your doubts, you can gain clarity and take appropriate steps to address your concerns. Whether it's managing ROCD or resolving issues in your relationship, seeking therapy and open communication can be instrumental in finding the right path for your love life. Remember that relationships can be challenging, but with the right approach, they can also be incredibly fulfilling.
Begin Relationship Therapy In NYC & NJ
Relationship anxiety or not in love? These feelings and emotions can be difficult to distinguish, but through relationship therapy, you can gain clarity and confidence. Our compassionate therapists at Connected Healing Therapy specialize in relationship anxiety, insecurity, and other relationship issues. Start your journey with us by following these steps:
Reach out to schedule a free consultation with us
Start working with a relationship therapist in NY
Learn how to identify and navigate relationship anxiety
Other Counseling Services Offered By Connected Healing Therapy In New York And New Jersey
Relationship therapy is a key focus at our NYC therapy practice, but we also offer a variety of other services to help clients better understand their emotions. Our compassionate therapists recognize that relationship struggles often overlap with other mental health challenges. That’s why we offer various supportive services, including individual therapy, couples therapy, anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, breakup counseling, and ADHD services. No matter what phase of life you’re in, we’re here to help you address and navigate your emotions with confidence and clarity.
About The Author
Kacie Mitterando is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with specialized experience in relationship anxiety, breakups, and patterns in love that feel overwhelming and unmanageable. She earned her Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and is trained in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT. Kacie blends these approaches to help clients heal past wounds and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Throughout her career, Kacie has worked with women and men who feel secure and successful in areas like career and friendship but find romantic relationships to be the place where anxiety, insecurity, or overthinking shows up. As the CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she chose the name of her practice to reflect the heart of her work and one of her favorite quotes: “We heal in the context of others.”
While so much of our pain stems from harming one another, Kacie deeply believes that people are just as capable of healing one another. This belief is at the core of her work and why she feels therapy can be such a powerful tool for healthier relationships.
