Why Do I Feel So Insecure In My Relationship?
Ugh, the dreaded word so many of us can’t stand, “insecure.” Usually right up there with “jealous.” But here’s the thing: all humans experience a wide range of emotions every single day—happy, sad, scared, worried... the list goes on (they’ve even been categorized!). And insecurity is on that list, too. There’s nothing inherently wrong or bad about feeling insecure. At least no more than there is about feeling happy or afraid. It’s simply just a feeling. The difference, though, is usually how uncomfortable it is. Most people find insecurity way more distressing than, say, feeling happy, or even sometimes feeling worried. And when you add in the judgment we often get from others (or ourselves) for having insecurities, it starts to feel like we’re entering “recipe for disaster” territory.
In relationship therapy, I often explain to clients that the status of our romantic relationships is deeply tied to our sense of safety and comfort in the world. Because of that, they’re also an incredibly vulnerable space for heightened emotions. Feeling insecure in your relationship is totally normal and natural, even for people who don’t usually feel insecure in other areas like their career, goals, or friendships. In this blog, we’ll explore some common causes of relationship insecurity, how to figure out where it’s coming from, and what you can do about it.
What Relationship Insecurity In NY Looks Like
Relationship insecurity shows up differently for each person and each relationship. If you think about your relationship history, you might even notice how different insecurities were triggered depending on the relationship you were in. Here are some common examples of what relationship insecurity can look like:
Heightened Need for Reassurance
Almost every person and relationship requires reassurance on some level. It’s totally normal, and even healthy, to ask for reassurance at times. But with relationship insecurity, this need can become heightened. You might find yourself asking your partner questions like “Are you mad at me?” or “Are we okay?” more often than usual. It’s also worth exploring whether the reassurance actually makes you feel better, or if it just gives you a brief sense of relief (or possibly none at all) that fades quickly.
Overthinking
Sometimes, relationship insecurity shows up as overthinking, or what I call preoccupation. You might replay conversations in your head, constantly wonder what your partner is doing, or question how they feel about you. Overthinking is something to pay attention to, especially if it starts to distract you from daily tasks like work or if it’s keeping you up at night on a regular basis.
Difficulty Managing Emotions
When it comes to emotional regulation, there can be two sides to the coin. On one side, you might feel out of control with your emotional reactions, feeling the need to bring up every emotion you’re having, sometimes in a way that blames your partner or feels like an attack on them. On the other hand, some people with relationship insecurity struggle to bring up emotions at all. They may feel ashamed or fear being “too much,” so they keep their feelings and insecurities to themselves instead of sharing them with their significant other.
The Big Question—Why Do I Feel This Way?
Similar to the symptoms of relationship insecurity, why someone feels this way is going to be dependent on their personal experiences and histories. Here are some possible explanations I often see as a relationship therapist in New York:
Previous Relationship Wounds or Trauma
If you’ve experienced relationship betrayal at any point, your sense of safety in romantic relationships could have been altered. The previous betrayal may have put you on higher alert in your current relationship. This serves as a protective mechanism and is trying to keep you aware of the possibility of betrayal so you can manage it differently this time around. While this protective mechanism is there to attempt to keep you safe, it often creates a level of anxiety and insecurity that may or may not be fully helpful.
Attachment Style
Our attachment style (short description: how we connect and relate to others emotionally) often forms very early in life. It’s generally based on our relationships with our parents and how well our parents did or didn’t meet our needs. These patterns then show up in our adult relationships, platonic and romantic. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might fear abandonment and crave a lot of reassurance, while someone with an avoidant style might feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. If you lean towards an anxious attachment style, you may experience more relationship insecurity. Understanding your attachment style can be a helpful starting point in figuring out why you feel insecure. It can reveal what you might need in a relationship to feel more grounded and safe. This is an outcome we often expect in couples therapy or therapy for relationship issues.
Beliefs About Self-Worthiness
This one can sometimes be directly related to those who don’t experience heightened insecurity in other areas of their life and are often described as overachievers. Many times, hard workers, perfectionists, and overachievers have been taught from a very young age to perform to feel worthy. Getting an A in school or being a great athlete may have been something that was highly rewarded, teaching you early on that doing is what makes you worthy, not simply being.
The thing is, as we learn about relationship anxiety and insecurity, we realize that we typically can’t hide the beliefs we have about ourselves. We can’t simply do things in the ways we may be able to in our careers or even sometimes in friendships. In romantic relationships, we need to be loved simply for being, and that may be something very unfamiliar to us, creating some sense of anxiety or insecurity.
Unmet Needs or Relationship Struggles
Sometimes, the relationship anxiety is directly related to the environment within the relationship. Whether it’s incompatibility, unmet needs, or something else, a relationship that isn’t serving you is likely to cause relationship insecurity and anxiety. Figuring out if this is the case can be very scary and confusing!
How To Tell If It’s You, The Relationship, Or Both
To get a better understanding of this question, start with reflection and curiosity about what’s really going on for you. One way to do this is by asking yourself some thoughtful questions. Here are a few that might help:
Is it relationship anxiety, or am I not in love? How do I truly feel about my partner and our connection?
Have I felt this kind of insecurity in past relationships, even when things were going well? Are the feelings I have familiar or unfamiliar?
Do I feel this way only in romantic relationships, or does this come up in other areas of my life too? If so, where?
Do I feel safe expressing my concerns to my partner?
When I share something vulnerable, how does my partner typically respond?
Am I afraid of losing the relationship?
Are there any consistent patterns in the relationship that I sometimes ignore?
Am I questioning the relationship because something specific happened, or does the doubt feel harder to explain?
Do I trust myself to know what feels good and safe in a relationship? What does a safe relationship look like to me?
What To Do About Relationship Insecurity
First and foremost, what you’re experiencing isn’t helpless or hopeless. Feeling better and more secure in your relationship is not unusual; it’s something anyone can start to heal from. Practicing self-reflection, through journaling or therapy, without shame, can be a great first step. If you haven’t expressed your insecurities with your partner, being able to share your feelings in a calm and compassionate way can help you feel better. It can also give you a clearer sense of how your partner responds to your vulnerabilities, which is really important in long-term relationships.
Sometimes, we don’t have the information we need to fully understand something or make a decision. It’s okay to do nothing other than stay curious and let yourself intuitively collect more information until you begin to feel a natural sense of clarity or understanding.
Feeling insecure in your relationship doesn’t mean you’re the problem or that your relationship is doomed. It means you’re human. With some curiosity, self-compassion, and honest communication, it’s absolutely possible to feel more secure and more connected over time.
Begin Therapy For Relationship Issues In NYC
Relationship insecurity isn’t uncommon, but that doesn’t mean it’s ideal either. Through relationship therapy, you can regain your confidence while also gaining clarity on where you stand in your relationship. At Connected Healing Therapy, our compassionate therapists specialize in relationship insecurity, anxiety, and various other romantic issues. When you’re ready to work with us, simply follow these steps:
Schedule a free consultation with our practice
Meet with an experienced relationship therapist
Replace relationship insecurity with confidence
Other Counseling Services Connected Healing Therapy Offers In New York And New Jersey
While relationship therapy is a key focus at our NYC therapy practice, it’s far from the only service we provide. Our compassionate and experienced team understands that relationship struggles often intertwine with other emotional and mental health challenges. That’s why we also offer a range of supportive services, including individual therapy, anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, couples therapy, breakup counseling, and ADHD services. No matter what season of growth or healing you’re in, we’re here to walk alongside you. Reach out today to begin your therapeutic journey with us.
About The Author
Kacie Mitterando is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with specialized experience in relationship anxiety, breakups, and patterns in love that feel overwhelming and unmanageable. She earned her Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and is trained in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT. Kacie blends these approaches to help clients heal past wounds and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Throughout her career, Kacie has worked with women and men who feel secure and successful in areas like career and friendship but find romantic relationships to be the place where anxiety, insecurity, or overthinking shows up. As the CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she chose the name of her practice to reflect the heart of her work and one of her favorite quotes: “We heal in the context of others.”
While so much of our pain stems from harming one another, Kacie deeply believes that people are just as capable of healing one another. This belief is at the core of her work and why she feels therapy can be such a powerful tool for healthier relationships.
