Why Breakups Hurt So Much (And How Relationship Therapy Can Help)
If you’ve found yourself here because you’re going through a breakup, I probably don’t need to tell you how much it hurts. Breakups are painful for just about everyone. You can be the happiest, most secure, grounded person with so much to offer and still feel completely crushed by the end of a relationship. So why do breakups feel so intense? What’s actually going on beneath the surface? Stick with me as we walk through those questions together and explore the benefits of therapy for relationship issues.
Why Do Breakups Hurt So Much?
Loss of Attachment
When we’re in a relationship with someone, we don’t just love them (though of course, that’s a huge part of it!) It goes much deeper. Our brains and bodies begin to rely on and regulate around this person. In fact, research shows that we become physiologically in sync with the people we develop attachments to. Partners can influence each other’s heart rate, breathing patterns, blood pressure, and even hormone levels.
This is part of why people in healthy long-term relationships tend to experience better physical health and may even live longer. Our bodies literally become attuned to our partner. When a breakup happens, that physiological synchrony is abruptly cut off. It doesn’t just hurt emotionally; heartbreak confuses our nervous system and creates a sense of shock. Breakups aren’t just emotionally painful. They impact us at some of our deepest physiological levels.
Loss of Routine
From the beginning of a relationship, you naturally fall into a routine that becomes second nature. Sending good morning texts, calling each other with little updates, and having your favorite person by your side at every event. Some of these moments might seem small, others more significant, but after a breakup, they all feel massive. Every time something reminds you of them, your instinct might be to take a photo and send it, until that gut-punch moment hits: you can’t.
They’re still there, but they’re not there for you to check in with anymore. And that realization doesn’t happen just once; it happens over and over again, sometimes multiple times a day. The loss of routine becomes a constant loop of grief that feels impossible to escape. It’s deeply disorienting and point-blank, heartbreaking.
Grief and Hope
What you’re actually experiencing during a breakup is grief. The person may not have physically passed away, but emotionally, they’re gone. They still exist in the world, but they’re no longer accessible to you, and that kind of loss can be incredibly hard to cope with. You’re not just grieving the relationship as it was, but you’re also grieving the future you imagined together. It’s the loss of what was and what could have been. Plans, events, a marriage, a home, maybe even a family.
Breakups carry layers of loss, both present and future. And often, this grief is accompanied by hope. You might find yourself wondering, Should we get back together? Or is there still a chance we could work things out? These moments of hope can make the grief even more complex, creating an emotional cycle that’s both painful and difficult to break.
What Does Relationship Therapy Offer?
A Space To Be Seen
Feeling seen during a breakup is incredibly important for healing. Breakups bring a wave of emotions such as grief, confusion, hope, and anger. Often, those emotions conflict with one another. Therapy for relationship issues in NYC offers a space where you can feel all of those conflicting emotions at once, without judgment. Many people try to logic their way out of the pain or distract themselves until it passes, but that rarely leads to real healing.
During sessions with an online therapy clinic in NYC, your protective mechanisms are welcomed and understood, but they’re gently invited to step aside so deeper healing can take place. Therapy is a space where your emotions don’t have to be “fixed” and instead can be felt and processed.
A Space To Talk
I know this might sound surprising coming from a therapist, but sometimes I find that talking isn’t always helpful. In some cases, talking can keep us stuck in our patterns or lead us to relive trauma in ways that aren’t productive. But when it comes to breakups, I’ve often found the opposite to be true. As we talked about earlier, breakups bring this never-ending wave of grief, especially due to the loss of routine and connection.
You might feel silly texting your friends every time you’re reminded of your ex or worry that you’re burdening them by constantly talking about the breakup. In therapy though, you’re allowed to talk about it as much as you need. A good relationship issues therapist in New York understands how consuming a breakup can be and that to move through the grief, you may need to say the same thing many times in many different ways.
Rebuilding Emotional Security
A breakup can shatter your emotional security, leaving you feeling alone and unsure of how to put the pieces back together. Therapy can help you reconnect with who you were outside of the relationship and begin rebuilding a sense of internal emotional safety, so you can feel more grounded. There’s rarely anything that makes a breakup feel better right away but going through it while in therapy can take some of the loneliness out of the process.
Breakups are deeply painful, and it makes sense if you're feeling overwhelmed, alone, or unsure of how to move forward. Healing from a breakup takes time, and there's no “right” way to grieve the loss of a relationship. Relationship issues therapy in NYC offers a compassionate, nonjudgmental space to process your emotions, understand the deeper impact of the relationship, and begin reconnecting with yourself again. You may not feel it now, but with support, healing from a breakup will happen and so will feeling whole again.
Move Forward At Your Own Pace Through Relationship Issues Therapy in NYC
Breakups can feel like emotional whiplash—one moment you're holding on, the next you're grieving what could have been. Even when ending a relationship is the right decision, the pain, confusion, and self-doubt that follow can be overwhelming. Relationship issues therapy in NYC gives you a space to process that loss, understand your emotional responses, and begin to heal in a meaningful way. At Connected Healing Therapy, our team specializes in helping people work through the emotional aftermath of breakups, uncover patterns, and rediscover their sense of self.
Here’s how you can begin your healing process:
Explore how therapy can support your path forward during a free consultation.
Connect with an online relationship therapist in New York who understands the complexity of heartbreak.
Start building emotional resilience and clarity so you can move forward feeling stronger and more grounded.
Other Online Therapy Services We Provide in New York & New Jersey
Going through a breakup can stir up intense emotions, like grief, anger, confusion, and even self-doubt. Therapy for relationship issues can help you process those feelings, make sense of what happened, and begin rebuilding your confidence and clarity for the future. At Connected Healing Therapy, my online therapy practice in New York, we understand that the pain of a breakup is rarely just about the relationship itself. It often uncovers deeper emotional patterns and past wounds. That’s why we offer more than just relationship counseling.
We provide a broad range of supportive services to meet your emotional and mental health needs, including individual therapy, anxiety therapy, EMDR, couples counseling, and ADHD treatment. Whether you’re trying to move on from a painful ending, unpack recurring relationship patterns, or reconnect with yourself, our team is here to walk alongside you with compassion and care.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with focused experience in helping individuals navigate breakups, relationship anxiety, and recurring emotional patterns that make love feel complicated or overwhelming. She earned her Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and is trained in a variety of evidence-based modalities, including DBT, IFS, EMDR, and CBT. By integrating these approaches, Kacie supports her clients in processing emotional pain, understanding attachment wounds, and creating more grounded, meaningful relationships.
Over the course of her career, Kacie has worked with individuals who feel confident and accomplished in many parts of life—but who experience anxiety, self-doubt, or emotional turmoil when it comes to romantic relationships, especially during or after a breakup. As the founder and CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she chose a practice name that reflects her belief in the power of relational healing, inspired by the quote: “We heal in the context of others.”
Kacie’s work is rooted in the understanding that breakups, while painful, can be transformative. She believes therapy offers a unique opportunity to turn heartbreak into personal growth and to build stronger, more emotionally secure relationships in the future.
