Why You Might Feel Anxiety At The Start of A Relationship—Even When It’s Going Well
Some of us find the beginning of a relationship super exciting. While others… not so much. And honestly, I can’t blame you! Early relationship anxiety is incredibly common even when things seem to be going really well. It can feel confusing to experience anxiety during a time that’s supposed to feel exciting, fun, and full of butterflies. As we often explore in relationship therapy, feeling anxious at the start of something new doesn’t always mean there’s something wrong and can sometimes mean your nervous system is adjusting to a new, vulnerable experience.
The Nervous System and Newness
If there are some things humans tend to dislike, it’s change and uncertainty. How frustrating, right? Especially considering they’re two of the only guarantees in life. Our brains feel much safer with familiarity and routine. So, when we introduce something new, even something positive like a budding relationship, our nervous system can go a bit haywire.
That ‘haywire’ often shows up as anxiety. Even if things are going well, it’s still new, and it’s still a change. And change, whether good or bad, usually carries some level of loss. It’s important to give ourselves space to process that, even when the change is something we’ve wanted.
Does It Mean Something’s Wrong?
Multiple factors can influence how we feel at the start of a relationship, from fear and anxiety to excitement and surprisingly strong feelings. These are just a few possibilities I’ve noticed in sessions through my online therapy practice in New York.
A Fear or Flag?
Here’s a hard truth… sometimes we feel anxiety at the beginning of a relationship because our nervous system is picking up on something that isn’t quite right. That’s why it’s so important to check in and try to understand. Is this anxiety coming from my own fears, or is it signaling a real red flag?
One helpful way to do this is to ask yourself: Am I anxious about something I’m actually seeing? Or am I anxious about a story I’m telling myself? For example, is the anxiety I’m having about noticing behavior that doesn’t align with my values? Or is it because they texted a little differently than usual and now my mind is spiraling that something is wrong? Anxiety can be a valuable tool that holds important information, especially when we meet it with curiosity instead of judgment.
Behavior Over Feelings
One helpful way to sort through early relationship anxiety is to take a closer look at the other person’s behavior and not just your own feelings. Are they showing up consistently? Do their actions match their words? Do you feel safe being yourself around them, even when you’re feeling anxious? If someone is emotionally available, kind, and reliable, it’s possible your anxiety is more about the vulnerability of newness or past experiences, rather than something actually being wrong.
On the flip side, if your relationship insecurity or anxiety is paired with vague responses, mixed signals, or flakiness, that feeling might be a cue that something isn’t sitting right. At the end of the day, what someone does matters more than what we hope they’ll do, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Anxiety and Excitement Feel the Same
One of my favorite reminders in moments of early relationship anxiety is that anxiety and excitement can feel almost identical in our bodies. A racing heart, butterflies, restlessness, anticipation. These are all physical signs of both excitement and anxiety. If you’re feeling off, it’s possible you’re not anxious in a fearful way… you might just be excited. Slowing down and checking in with yourself can help you figure out the difference.
Try asking: Are my thoughts rooted in possibility or fear? Thoughts like “I really like this person, what could happen next?” or “I’m looking forward to seeing them again, I wonder when that will be” often reflect excitement. But thoughts like “What if they cancel?” or “Do they like me as much as I like them?” are usually tied to fear. Tuning into that subtle difference can offer valuable insight into what you’re truly experiencing, allowing you to recognize relationship anxiety and separate it from genuine excitement.
Desire to Get It Right
In relationships, we often carry a deep desire to “get it right.” That desire can lead us to overthink our text messages or replay conversations, searching for hidden meanings or reassurance. But trying to get a relationship right doesn’t mean being perfect. In fact, if the relationship is truly right for you, it will still feel safe even when you’re not perfect (and knowing this is the case is incredibly important information to have)
Relationships aren’t built on never feeling anxious, and they also shouldn’t feel like the opposite either, a constant source of anxiety. They’re built on showing up for each other through all emotions, including anxiety, with compassion, curiosity, and gentleness. So, if you’re in the early stages and find yourself swirling in nerves and butterflies, take a deep breath. It’s okay to feel this way. You’re allowed to be human, especially at the beginning of a new relationship.
Your Feelings Are Valid—Final Thoughts From A Relationship Therapist in NYC
If you’re feeling anxiety at the start of a relationship, even when things seem to be going well, you’re not alone. As a relationship issues therapist in New York, I’ve noticed that early relationship anxiety is incredibly common. While it can sometimes be a signal that something isn’t quite right, it also could be your nervous system adjusting to the newness and uncertainty that comes with vulnerability. Sometimes, anxiety is simply a sign that you care. And when we care about something, it’s completely natural to want to protect it.
Embrace the Connection Through Therapy for Relationship Issues in NYC
When a relationship starts off well, unexpected anxiety can feel confusing and even discouraging—but it doesn't mean you're broken or that the relationship is doomed. Relationship issues therapy can help you understand where that fear is coming from, process past patterns, and approach love with more confidence and clarity. At Connected Healing Therapy, we support individuals navigating relationship anxiety, even during the early stages of connection. If you're constantly second-guessing your emotions or worried your anxiety might ruin something good, therapy can help you find steadiness within yourself.
Here’s how to take the next step:
Learn how therapy can help ease your anxiety in relationships during a free phone or video consultation.
Work with a relationship issues therapist in New York who knows the challenges of early relationship anxiety.
Start building emotional security that strengthens both your connection and your sense of self.
Other Online Therapy Services We Offer in New York & New Jersey
Feeling anxiety at the beginning of a relationship is more common than you think—and it doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t right. Relationship issues therapy in NYC can help you understand your reactions, calm your inner worries, and move forward with greater trust and emotional security. At Connected Healing Therapy, my online therapy practice in New York, we know that relationship anxiety often connects to deeper, underlying patterns. That’s why we offer more than just relationship counseling. We also provide a full range of services tailored to support your whole emotional landscape, including individual therapy, anxiety therapy, EMDR, breakup counseling, couples therapy, and ADHD support. Whether you're working through fears of intimacy, healing after past relationship wounds, or striving to show up more confidently in love, we're here to help you move forward with clarity and compassion.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with focused expertise in helping individuals manage relationship anxiety, navigate breakups, and untangle overwhelming emotional patterns that surface in love, even at the beginning of a new connection. She earned her Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and is extensively trained in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT. Kacie thoughtfully integrates these therapeutic methods to help clients heal attachment wounds, reduce anxiety, and create emotionally secure, fulfilling relationships.
Over the years, Kacie has supported both women and men who feel confident in most aspects of life—like work and friendships—but find themselves flooded with self-doubt or overthinking when entering romantic relationships. As the founder and CEO of Connected Healing Therapy, she named her practice to reflect her core belief, inspired by the quote: “We heal in the context of others.”
Kacie’s work is grounded in the understanding that while relationships can activate deep insecurities, they also provide a powerful opportunity for emotional healing. She’s passionate about guiding clients through those early, anxious stages of connection so they can feel more secure, seen, and supported in love.
