Am I The Problem in My Relationship? Honest Reflections from a Relationship Therapist
The question of “Am I the problem?” is an unpleasant fear that many people carry. This fear often shows up in relationships (as so many things do), because relationships bring out our deepest worries and vulnerabilities. Everyone has moments of self-doubt, and self-reflection is an important quality to have. In fact, it can make for healthier, more successful connections with others.
Questioning where we may have been wrong or recognizing the parts of ourselves that tend to be “problematic” in relationships is a good thing. However, when self-reflection slips into self-blame or taking on too much accountability, it can become harmful. Learning how to be honest with ourselves without falling into shame is a skill, and it’s one that can be developed through the reflections learned in relationship therapy.
Why Do We Ask Ourselves This Question?
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) theorizes that what we believe about ourselves influences both our behaviors and our emotions. If we hold a belief such as “I am the problem,” environments that reinforce this idea can start to feel familiar. Over time, the belief grows stronger as more and more evidence seems to support it. From this perspective, if you believe you are the problem in some way, your brain will naturally look for reasons to confirm and reinforce that belief.
Past relationship or childhood dynamics often play a role in this questioning. If you experienced blame in your family or an abundance of blame in a previous relationship, it may have contributed to your “I am the problem” belief. Similarly, what you’ve been taught about mistakes matters. We all make mistakes. However, if throughout your life you’ve learned that making a mistake or doing something wrong translates to “I am wrong” instead of “I’ve done something wrong”, then mistakes can feel really scary. In relationships, the idea of doing something wrong can quickly spiral into “Oh no, am I the problem here?” instead of being recognized as a normal human experience.
Signs You May Be Contributing to the Dynamic
I’ll preface this by saying: we are all likely contributing to the dynamics in our relationships because that’s inherently how relationships work. They take two people, and if something is going on within the relationship, research shows that both partners are usually contributing in some way. Here are some common patterns in relationships and areas for potential growth:
Struggling to take accountability or apologize after conflict
Shutting down during conflict or avoiding conversations you know you need to have
Needing reassurance but still feeling insecure when the reassurance is given
Criticizing your partner during conflict instead of expressing your needs clearly
If any of these resonate with you, that makes complete sense, as many relationships experience these dynamics. However, contributing to the dynamic does not mean that you are the problem in the relationship. As an experienced relationship therapist in New York, I want you to remember that relationships are co-created, and both people influence what’s happening within them.
Signs You’re Taking on Too Much Blame
Carrying responsibility that isn’t yours can be an exhausting and upsetting place to be. The relationship may start to feel heavy, and conflict can become debilitating because the weight of another disagreement feels like too much.
Here are some signs this may be happening:
You leave most conversations feeling like everything is your fault.
You notice yourself excessively apologizing in an attempt to keep the peace, and one apology never seems to be enough.
You ignore your own needs to avoid further conflict. If something upsets you, you push it aside, telling yourself it’s not that important or you know that bringing it up will only leave you feeling more in the wrong.
Your significant other often dismisses you, or you notice they aren’t taking any accountability at all.
Relationship Questions to Ask Ourselves
Being curious about your behavior and your relationship dynamic is a good thing. Here are some targeted questions I often recommend in relationship therapy through my online NYC practice. They can continue that curiosity and help you find the line between healthy self-reflection and carrying blame that isn’t yours to hold:
How do conversations go when I bring up something that upsets me? Do I feel respected and emotionally secure throughout these conversations?
When we argue, are both of us taking accountability afterward?
Do I feel comfortable showing up as myself and speaking my mind calmly?
Am I seeking self-growth? Does it ever feel like I’m trying to “fix” myself just to make the relationship better?
What version of myself does this relationship bring out?
Words of Encouragement From an Online Relationship Therapist in New York City
Wondering if you’re the issue shows how much you care about your relationships, yourself, and the impact you have on those around you. Being someone who cares in this way is likely one of your strongest and most beautiful qualities. That said, in most situations, no one is ever the sole problem. While self-reflection is a strength, it’s important to notice when it starts slipping into self-blame or cycles of doubt.
If you’d like guidance through this process, I welcome you to call me at (631) 618-8528 or email kaciemitterando@kmlcsw.com to set up your free consultation.
Gain Clarity and Self-Awareness Through Relationship Therapy in New York, NY
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering, “Am I the problem in my relationship?”—you’re not alone. It takes courage and self-awareness to ask that question, and therapy can help you explore it with compassion instead of self-blame. Through online relationship therapy, you can uncover patterns that may be contributing to conflict, learn new communication tools, and better understand your emotional needs.
At Connected Healing Therapy, we help individuals and couples untangle relational dynamics so they can grow toward healthier, more balanced connections. Here’s how to begin your journey toward insight and growth:
Explore whether relationship therapy is right for you. Start by scheduling a free consultation.
Work with a compassionate online therapist in NYC who specializes in helping people identify patterns that impact connection and trust.
Discover how therapy can empower you to communicate more clearly, take accountability without shame, and create stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
Other Online Therapy I Provide in New York, NY
Recognizing your role in relationship challenges isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness, healing, and growth. Relationship therapy can help you uncover emotional patterns, past experiences, or communication habits that might be affecting your connection with others. At Connected Healing Therapy, we believe that lasting change begins with understanding yourself, which is why we approach therapy with compassion, curiosity, and a focus on whole-person healing.
Our NYC therapy practice offers more than just relationship therapy. We provide a range of mental health services designed to help you thrive personally and relationally, including individual therapy, EMDR, couples counseling, and ADHD support. Whether you’re learning to communicate more effectively, manage anxiety in relationships, or rebuild trust with yourself, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
Wherever you are in your journey, you deserve the space to grow and heal. Visit our blog for more insights, follow us on Instagram for daily encouragement, and reach out when you’re ready to begin working with us.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Connected Healing Therapy, an online therapy practice serving clients across New York and New Jersey. Kacie specializes in helping individuals explore the deeper emotional patterns and attachment dynamics that shape their relationships. Her work centers on self-awareness, accountability, and healing—guiding clients to understand how their own experiences and coping mechanisms impact the way they connect with others.
Kacie earned her Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and holds advanced training in EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT. She integrates these therapeutic approaches to help clients process unresolved emotions, strengthen communication, and create more intentional, secure relationships. Deeply rooted in her belief that “We heal in the context of others,” Kacie helps clients transform self-blame into insight and growth—so they can move toward relationships that feel balanced, authentic, and fulfilling.
