Unmet Needs or Misplaced Anxiety? Finding the True Cause of Relationship Doubt
If you experience anxiety in your romantic relationship, it’s easy to wonder whether it stems from the relationship itself or from within you. That confusion often leads to even more anxiety and doesn’t accomplish what you’re most likely seeking: a sense of security and ease. Relationship doubt is tough, and it can be really challenging to find the line between your personal anxiety and actual relationship difficulties. Sometimes the hard part is knowing which instincts inside of you to trust, but with insights learned in relationship therapy, you can gain the clarity and confidence you’re longing for.
What Is Relationship Doubt?
It’s normal to doubt your relationship, and even the best relationships do! However, relationship doubt can sometimes become a more chronic, persistent form of wondering and doubt. You may question whether you’re the one at fault, find yourself preoccupied with your relationship (even when you’re at work and busy with something else), or second-guess your behavior and whether the relationship is right for you. Relationship doubt affects your overall emotional state and sense of security. It also likely impacts your relationship satisfaction, which is a key indicator of our overall well-being. Over time, doubt can erode trust in yourself as well as the connections in your life.
Misplaced Anxiety: What It Looks Like
In simple terms, anxiety is an emotion involving worry and dread about something going wrong in the immediate moment or further down the line. Anxiety tells us, “This could very likely happen, and it will be bad.” It’s also often accompanied by physical responses that match that fear, such as a racing heart or an uneasy feeling in your stomach. For those who live with anxiety, the feeling itself can distort our perception: something neutral or only slightly off can turn into what feels like a worst-case scenario.
This can lead someone to assume the worst in a situation or over-anticipate conflict. In a relationship, this might look like interpreting a partner’s bad day or quiet mood as meaning they’re angry at you. You might also think their unrelated distance means they’re considering a break-up, when that might not even be on their mind. These anxiety-based worries affect us differently from doubts that come from unmet emotional needs, and usually need different kinds of attention or resolution.
Unmet Needs: How They Create Doubt
A quote I often use in my virtual NYC therapy practice is: “We are not needy; we are simply humans who have needs.” I refer to this because those who experience anxiety often carry a fear of being “too much” or “too needy” because of what their anxiety may require. The reality is, everyone has needs, and these needs vary from person to person. Our needs can be physical, emotional, or related to boundaries. They might also include something specific that helps you feel safe when communicating about difficult topics. For example, you may need your partner to give you a time frame for when they’ll return to a conversation if they feel overwhelmed and need a break from talking.
If your needs are consistently unmet in your relationship, it’s common to experience some level of anxiety. In many cases, anxiety can actually be a symptom of decreased relationship satisfaction. Unmet needs can also turn into self-doubt. For instance, if you express your feelings (in a kind and respectful way) but it often leads to conflict, you might start to wonder if you’re the problem for having those feelings at all. Rather than recognizing that your needs aren’t being heard or addressed, you believe it must somehow be your fault.
If unmet needs are driving your anxiety, you may notice patterns such as feeling unheard during communication, fearing bringing up issues with your partner, or over-apologizing to keep the peace. Recognizing this pattern can hopefully shift your focus from self-doubt to constructive conversation.
Questions & Self-Reflection: Which One Fits Best?
As an online relationship therapist in New York, this is a list of questions I often recommend clients reflect on with curiosity. They can help you better understand whether your relationship doubt is coming from misplaced anxiety or unmet needs:
When I bring something up that’s upsetting me, how do I feel afterward? Do I feel heard and possibly better, or do I feel dismissed and even more upset?
Is my worry about what might happen (without much evidence it will), or is it mostly about what has already happened?
Am I clearly asking for what I need so my partner understands? Are there ways in which I’m expecting my partner to guess what’s wrong?
Am I reacting only to what is happening in the moment, or do my reactions sometimes feel like they’re coming from somewhere else?
Words of Encouragement From an Online Relationship Therapist in New York, NY
Figuring out whether your relationship doubt is coming from anxiety or unmet emotional needs isn’t about blame but rather curiosity and clarity. As a reminder, anxiety tends to focus on what might happen, whereas unmet needs develop when you want to feel heard or respected and aren’t.
You are deserving of a relationship that doesn’t leave you guessing. Be patient with yourself, stay curious, and keep doing the best you can. And when you’re ready for extra support, I encourage you to call or text (631) 618-8528 or email kaciemitterando@kmlcsw.com to get in touch.
Understand What’s Really Behind Your Doubts With Online Relationship Therapy in New York
When uncertainty starts to cloud your connection, it’s easy to wonder if something is wrong with your partner—or with you. Relationship therapy can help you uncover whether your doubts stem from unmet needs, anxiety, or old emotional patterns that are resurfacing in love.
At Connected Healing Therapy, our goal is to help people navigate relationship confusion, trust issues, and anxiety with compassion and clarity. Together, we’ll help you understand what your feelings are trying to tell you and how to create a deeper sense of security and safety—both within yourself and your relationship.
Here’s how to begin your journey toward clarity and peace:
Explore whether relationship therapy is right for you. Start by scheduling a free consultation.
Work with an experienced relationship therapist in NYC who understands the overlap between anxiety, attachment, and relationship uncertainty.
Learn how to identify your true emotional needs, reduce anxiety-driven doubt, and strengthen trust in both yourself and your relationship.
Other Online Therapy Services I Offer in NYC
Relationship doubt can be emotionally exhausting, especially when you’re unsure whether it’s anxiety or something deeper. Therapy for relationship issues can help you slow down, make sense of your emotions, and recognize whether your concerns come from unmet needs, fear, or past relationship patterns. At Connected Healing Therapy, we take a whole-person approach—addressing both the emotional and relational roots of uncertainty—so you can move forward with clarity and confidence.
Our New York therapy practice offers more than just therapy for relationship anxiety and doubt. We provide a wide range of services designed to help you feel more balanced and emotionally secure, including individual therapy, couples counseling, EMDR, and ADHD support. Whether you’re learning to trust your instincts, exploring attachment wounds, or working through emotional triggers, our team offers compassionate, evidence-based support to help you feel more grounded in love and in yourself.
Wherever you are in your healing process, you don’t have to navigate it alone. We invite you to read our blog for ongoing insights, follow us on Instagram for daily encouragement, and get in touch when you’re ready to begin your therapy journey.
About the Author
Kacie Mitterando, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Connected Healing Therapy, an online therapy practice serving clients across New York and New Jersey. Kacie specializes in helping individuals work through relationship anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional confusion that often surface in romantic connections. With deep experience supporting clients who feel torn between anxiety and unmet needs, she helps people understand their emotions with compassion and clarity.
Kacie earned her Master’s in Social Work from Stony Brook University and is trained in evidence-based therapeutic modalities, including EMDR, EFT, DBT, IFS, and CBT. By integrating these methods, she helps clients uncover the root of their relationship struggles, regulate anxious thoughts, and build stronger emotional awareness.
Guided by the belief that “We heal in the context of others,” Kacie’s work focuses on empowering clients to find balance in their relationships and within themselves—transforming uncertainty into confidence and connection.